Not Dead Yet

I get dressed
I think of you
I ride my bike
I think of you
I go to work
I think of you
I walk home
I think of you
I meet a friend
I think of you
I watch a film
I think of you
I listen to songs
I think of you
I dance
I think of you
I fuck
I think of you
I read
I think of you
I write
I think of you
I live
I think of you
I'll probably be thinking of you when I die.
But I'm not dead yet.

Brief Moment In Time

I miss you something fierce this time of year
when the sun is warming
and the light gets brighter every day
and the days can be brilliant
and I am reminded of my happiness then
when we got to know each other for a brief moment in time
when you would look at me and smile
and I felt your eyes resting on my body
wanting me wanting you
and I was lighter than I have been in my life.

But I know I never really knew you
and I am as heavy as I was before you
heavy inside my small lithe body
heavy in my heart.
I ask my men to lay on top of me
when they are done
so I can feel me underneath their heavy bones
their beating hearts
just to know again that we are real
that I am here,
me with no you.

Jagged Edge

You inserted yourself into my life like a jagged arrow
dipped in potions to ease its course into my heart
then with an 'oops, sorry, mistake, don't mind me, I'm just leaving'
yanked yourself out without a thought
a hasty cruel yank
leaving my flesh torn in places where the pleasure you introduced
pierced my dormant desire effortlessly
the flesh wound remained, the bleeding never stops,
as no amount of damage control or bandaging I administer
by letting others pet the hole that you created
makes a difference
since it is not administered by you.

And your silence compounds the pain.
there was that enormous pleasure you brought to me
now the pain of your silences is harder to endure than knowing my father is dying
his impending painful death is caused by no one, therefore bearable
your actions are chosen by you.
That is the hardest fact to face: this pain of mine is bringing you joy.