Tuesday, February 2, 2010
This week marks an anniversary of sorts, of the time you came by to give me a little kiss on the mouth, unexpectedly, a little thing that changed the course of my life.
So long after the fact, it's still a mystery to me what it was you came for, but more so what you found - and lost so very fast - only because nothing was ever stated.
Yet, these days more than before, my mind clears up from all that fog. I like fog, I let it linger far too long - it makes things more beautiful than they really are, mysterious, alluring, gentle, it blurs strict lines, obscures truths, softens the harshness of blatant thoughts.
I keep your image in that foggy cage in my mind, tucking a little farther away day by day, because it provides many a thing: an escape, a protection from further harm, an excuse for actions taken on a dangerous route, a reminder of the reasons to continue to live and seek some happiness in a world were happiness is such a fleeting moment.
I know the truth, the reality is there, was always there for me to ignore, but I let you linger there as something else than what it was for my own selfish reasons. All of last year I did it to protect your image in my mind, to preserve a love I thought you deserved. Now I know it's changed, and it's for me. It's me who deserves the protection, the erasure of the ugly, preservation of beauty alone is what I give to myself, because from you it would never again arrive.